Café d'Mongo's Speakeasy

Hello there, Kind Readers.

I’m Robert Nelson. You may know me as the heavy drinking shampoo salesman with a heart of gold and a face full of jokes. But what you may not know is that I also give stellar advice.

Why, just ask my second wife. I’m the one who told her to hit the road (and at over 300 pounds she hit it hard).  I also advised my pool boy to become my lover and asked Courtney to pour a better drink!  Plus, I spend a great deal of my spare time reading etiquette books and once had a séance with Emily Post and Jeane Dixon.  It was, as the French say, an etiquette-astrological menage a trois.

Based on these experiences and so many more that there isn’t time to put them to paper, I will be writing the weekly advice column.  Please send me your questions and you’ll be soon on your way to social health!

Dear Robert:

I am a 20-something man who stutters when I talk.  Last Friday at D’Mongo’s, I noticed that a lot of people were imitating my speech pattern.  Does this mean I’m a trend-setter? Or are people just mean? Any advice on how to handle this in the future?

Signed, Tttttthat’s Mmmmme, Folks!

Dear Me:

Since I am no stranger to speech impediments (I have slept with over three dozen fellows with lisps and one stretched-out body modifier with a split tongue) I know how tough it can be.  I am afraid that those people were not paying you homage, but rather being inconsiderate jerks. Don’t worry though, they are just making up for a small endowment of manhood.

If you really want to change your speech, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• The great Roman orator Marcus Tullius Cicero used to practice speaking by going to the edge of the sea and reciting monologues.
• Studies show you lose a stutter while singing.
• Doctors say stuttering gets worse during times of stress, and we all know that booze helps one relax.

So, based on these findings, here is a surefire cure for next time you go out on the town: drive to Belle Isle, drink a few shots of whiskey and sing your favorite Bobby Darren or Rod Stewart song.   I suggest Somewhere Beyond the Sea or Rhythm of My Heart.
In no time at all, you’ll be ready to take on the world- stutter free!

That is all for this week. Take care, and I’ll see you at Cafe D’Mongo’s!